Over a year ago.

It is December, 2006.

I remember that I hadn't been feeling well. Sick, and worn down. I am almost a year sober at this stage of the game. Living with Sarah at the farm house, and enjoying our time together. I am working at this point at the coffee shop, and it is taking its toll. I love the work but early mornings and too much caffeine are the normal.

I wake in the middle of the night, go to the bathroom. The bathroom door is two feet from our bedroom door. I go in, use the toilet and splash water on my face. The light above the sink flashes at me and goes out, I play with the light until it comes back on. It sparks a couple times, flickers and comes back on. The switch is faulty, maybe I can fix it sometime. The thought I always have about that light switch.

As I am standing there I remember a headache forming in the back of my head, by my neck. The pain is radiating deeply in my brain and I feel as though my head is going to explode.

Flick, flick... Dark.

I feel dizzy now, as if the whole world is far away. I reach up and turn on the light again, but my hands are shaking so bad that I can't get the light to come back on. My hands have done this since I got sober, must be some of the after effects of drinking so much.

Light... Dark... Light... More dizzy...

I go to the toilet and throw up, on my knees. I walk back through the hall, and before I get to the door, I loose control of my legs, scratching at the door I fall.

Sarah, hears this and it wakes her, she walks out in the hall to find me on the floor in what I would assume the fetal position fast asleep. I wake, and get up. I explain to her that I am so sick, that something is wrong. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. She asks me if I need to go to the hospital and I agree. I hate doctors, they never fix anything.

I remember the car ride to the ER, I remember shaking, my whole body. I remember thinking that if I could just have some fruit it might calm the shakes, I am incorrectly assuming that I am diabetic.

We get to the hospital and they scan my chest. I have pneumonia, and very low levels of potassium in my blood. After four hours or so with an IV the give me a script for Potassium pills and an anti-biotic. They advise me to follow up, I never follow up on anything.

The low levels of potassium I equate to the coffee I drink all day. The fainting spell I equate to the Pneumonia. Case closed, I am ok. In a few days the anti-biotic rids me of the pneumonia, and I start feeling better. Need to cut back on the coffee, I tell myself. I never cut back on it.

The hospital trip.

The hospital trip.

I call Sarah, inform her that I have been in an accident and tell her to come as quick as she can. I am still in a blur, but Grace seems to be ok. No cuts or scratches, and she is not crying. The ambulance arrives and they go to work on me. The pain in my shoulder now is blinding! And I feel as though there is a knife lodged in between my arm and shoulder. They check my blood sugar, and it appears to be slightly low, but nothing to be concerned with. I give them the approval to take me to Robinson memorial hospital. Another stint with the ER.. Sarah takes Grace there, to get checked out as well. I inform Sarah that the baby formula is in the trunk, at least I am thinking fairly clear.

I was driving, there was a semi… and I woke up bleeding… What is wrong with me?

I get to the ER after what feels like a forever long trip in an ambulance. They start an I.V. and introduce pain medication through it. My shoulder stops hurting.. I remember thinking, thank god. They did a chest, shoulder and neck X-Ray. Nothing broken.. Good…

Grace is getting checked out with Sarah, and advises me she is ok…

They give me a script for Vicoden, and send me packing. Explaining to me that I will be sore for the next few days, but the pills should help.

They advise me to follow up with a family doctor, I agree.

As I am riding home I eat a sandwich my friend Grace has, no food today.. Not uncommon though, I don’t eat as much as I should.

A haunting memory clouds my brain, something that happened to me over a year ago.. Before we were pregnant.. Could it be related, what happened that night?

The accident

Today is April 23rd, and i wake up to a normal day. I have to run Sarah to work then stop at walmart to get a few things. I remember feeling tired, and aggravated that morning. But nothing outside of what I chalk up to morning moodiness. I grab something to drink, my normal coffee. throw on some cloths and decide that I am going to get a few things at the store after dropping Sarah off. I load grace into the care and settle into some google reader in the passenger side seat. Nothing out of the normal. I feel OK that day. I took my Lexapro before I left the house, had my coffee and nothing that I am aware of is outside of my normal morning routine.

After dropping Sarah off I head to Walmart, I cruise through picking up things that I think I need, vitamin water. Some stuff for the baby. Stuff for bagged lunch for work. The whole time little Grace is with me and smiling from her car seat in the shopping cart. What a little angel i remember thinking to myself. I remember it is sunny that morning. And warm, and I am looking forward to my day off with my baby girl. Grace is in a good mood, smiling. And so am I I remember talking to her the whole time as I am walking around the Walmart in Streetsboro.

I load the stuff into the car, and pull out of the Walmart parking lot. pull out of the lot and head right. A wrong turn out of the lot. And i realize after about 15 minutes of driving that I have gone 20 miles or so in the wrong direction. I get off two exits before Sarah's work and head back in the other direction. I remember thinking that this is weird. But I decide that the radio must have been distracting me and that I must have been focused more on that than driving. I turn around and get back on east bound on the freeway, and chalk it up to one of my ditsy moments.

I am driving now, around 60mph. Just slightly under the speed limit, and that is normal for me. I am always over cautious with the baby in the car. No cars behind me, and a semi in front of me, that appears to be going the same speed as me... I approach the 480 / 80 bridge and pass it, still behind the semi..

LIGHTS OUT

The first thing I say is a one question, "am I dead?"

My hands are in front of me, on a steering wheel. The airbag has gone off, and blood is running down my hands.. Am I dead? A smell... burning, something is burning. The car perhaps... What has happened? Both airbags are deployed in my lap... my legs are not broken, my abdomen appears to be OK. A sharp wet pain radiates from between my legs and I realize that my coffee is spilled there, and burning the inside of my thighs. Blood, where is this blood coming from. I look out the window and see a woman screaming.

"Don't move sir, you have been in an accident."

She comes to the window, and informs me that the paramedics are on their way and I will be OK, she assures me. She then asks me if anyone else is in the car.

"Christ!"

"My daughter is in the back seat!"

I try and turn around to see her and realize that the car is wedged up against my knees to I can't spin around enough to see her.

I feel like someone is stabbing me in the shoulder.

Oh god, why aren't you crying? What have I done, oh God!

I pull myself out of the car through the broken window, placing my bleeding hand on the broken driver side window. The woman tells me not to move, I tell her I have to save my Grace.

I walk around to the side that she is on, open the door as if it where normal and find that she is in there with her eyes closed.

Burning... Smoke... I have to get her out!

I take the car seat out, and move her about ten feet away to a grassy area..

My god, what the hell just happened? Grace opens her eyes and looks at me, smiles her big bright smile. Almost as if to say, "see Daddy, I am OK"..

I look at the lady...

"Do you know what just happened to me?"

"You were in an accident. You feel asleep behind the wheel crossed over into oncoming traffic, drove off the freeway and smashed into an RV that was is parked by the side of the road going about 50 miles per hour."

"She is OK sir, the woman says... Almost convincing herself of this, and you are OK."

I drop to my knees sobbing, I put my head in graces lap...

"please Jesus, let her be OK"